10 Reasons the Concept of Grass is Absurd

Disclaimer: The purpose of this article is not to educate landowners on how to cultivate a grass-free yard. It is simply to use humor and obvious arguments to illustrate that keeping and maintaining grass is actually illogical (and a bit insane).

By grass, I am referring to the way in which it is used to create the ideal American lawn, a small representation of the American dream. The lawn, with its history and modern allusions to wealth and status, does not fit in our modern world. Most things nowadays are fast and convenient, yet Americans continue to stress over, and spend countless hours working on, their lawn. (My own mother thinks so highly of her yard that she has, on multiple occasions when guests came over, said that “this is so embarrassing. I should have mowed the grass.” As if the state of her grass has anything to do with their opinion of her.)

When you really think about it, it is ridiculous how much value people put into the appearance of their lawn. Unkempt grass is not indicative of one’s personality; it does not make them a bad neighbor. Freshly mown grass does not mean that the owner is well off and has their life together; it does not make them a good neighbor. All it means is that they have given into the societal pressure put on them to maintain their outdoor space.

10. George Washington set the image of the ideal yard

Come on. Washington may have been a decent president, but are we really going to trust his opinion on what makes a pretty yard? I mean, the guy used to powder his hair; he couldn’t have had a good sense of style. That’s not to mention the fact that he kept slaves. (That’s not good for anyone’s reputation.) But when Washington decided that short grass was in vogue, people followed without question. But now we, people with superior and evolved taste — and morals — must question: why follow yard maintenance norms from the 18th century? Certainly we must know better by now. Certainly we must know that an old man’s ideals have no place in the 21st century. Apparently not. However, this is a lesson that we can learn and move forward from.

9. Spend hours making it look nice

As they say, there is so much to do and so little time. However, the average homeowner spends seven to 47 days of their life mowing the lawn. There are so many other — more worthwhile — activities to do in life. Plant a garden. Read a book. Bake some cookies. Do the task you’ve been putting off. You know, the one that you used mowing the lawn as an excuse to procrastinate so you didn’t have to do it. Yeah. That one.

And, not to sound too much like Camus and his existential self, but why embark on the futile endeavor of mowing grass that will grow back just as tall by the next week? It really emphasizes the pointlessness of existence, does it not?

8. Backyards get little to no use

Okay, so you make your lawn look nice, but for what? To impress someone? Ha! People spend the majority of their time indoors anyways. There is no purpose in spending hours on yard maintenance when the space isn’t being used. All your time and effort becomes wasted on something that has no reward. In fact, the majority of people, when asked, believe that more plants and flowers are the solution to building an outdoor space that they would want to spend time in. You are not going to see this sort of improvement, and desire to be outside, when grass is the only plant taking up space in your backyard. Just let nature do its thing.

7. Upkeep is expensive

The price of gas these days, am I right? But seriously. Money equals time and there are plenty of other ways to spend both of these things. Walking circles around your yard with an annoyingly loud gas hog is not anyone’s idea of a good time. Think about it. If mowers use about 2.5 gallons of gas per hour, no one is winning but the oil refineries. And, if life is nothing but a game, as they say, you may as well make sure to come out the winner. Outsmart the oil refineries with your newfound knowledge.

6. Grass takes up an insane amount of land

I don’t think I need to tell you that the world population is growing at an alarming rate. More people live on Earth than ever before, yet the land area we inhabit has not changed. The need for more space is imminent, but grass continues to take up an irrational amount of that space. In 2005, this grass, in the form of American lawns, took up around 63,000 square miles. This is about the size of Texas. On top of that, these statistics only take one country’s grass into account. Just imagine the amount of land all over the world that serves no purpose but to harbor grass. All this space is used to grow a plant that cannot be eaten or used for any practical purpose. Its only function is to look nice. I mean, I look nice, but at least I can work and contribute to the welfare of society. I am not totally useless.

5. There is more area of lawns in America than irrigated corn

That’s right. There are “three times more acres of lawns in the U.S. than irrigated corn.” This means grass is the single largest irrigated crop. Yes, as we went over, grass serves no purpose, yet it takes up a ton of space. It takes up more space than corn, even. At least we can eat corn. Would it really be so bad to see more cornfields in America? If we’d ditch the grass, America could become a much more self-sufficient country with a larger food supply for the ever-growing population. Sounds like an all-around win to me.

4. Lawns are unsustainable / not environmentally friendly

In conjunction with gas-powered equipment and wasted land area, synthetic fertilizers make lawn upkeep even worse for the environment. The reasons for this can get very scientific, but here is the gist: nitrous oxide gas, a gas that contributes to the greenhouse effect, is released into the atmosphere when too much nitrogen from the fertilizers penetrates the soil. In turn, heat is trapped in the atmosphere which can result in a number of things like glaciers melting and a higher sea level. Nothing good comes from the use of fertilizers except for the temporary growth of pretty grass — or at least what we have been conditioned to think is “pretty grass.” In other words, it’s not worth it. But I think you are starting to get the idea now.

3. Threat to biodiversity

Contemporary lawns are full of non-native plants and grasses. Since they are not from the area, these grasses require much more upkeep then native plants would; the latter are naturally better suited for the given environment. American lawns eliminate natural ecosystems and provide no benefits to the animals and people living there. Unless we make a change, America’s standard grass will continue to overtake more land and drive out the plants and animals that laid claim to the area first. Humans, with their need for aesthetics, will be the very downfall of the world as we know it. It sounds dramatic, but this is no exaggeration.

2. Golf is the sport that contributed the most to the spread of lawns

Who knew that golf had so much sway? And who likes golf anyways? Are we really going to let a sport dictate how we spend our time, energy, and effort? The sport of bowling is also partly to blame, but the point is that these questions highlight the strange origins of the ideal lawn. It is not practical to model personal outdoor spaces after those that pay trained gardeners and greenskeepers to keep a space in perfect condition for a specific sport. But there are so many of us that go with the flow and trim the grass because that is what everyone else does. Come on. You don’t golf in your backyard so it does not need to be maintained as if it were a golf course. Did I really need to tell you that?

1. Most yards are indistinguishable

We are all beautiful and unique, so why can’t our yards be, too? We don’t all need uniform rows of mowed grass. There is no character to a person’s yard anymore because everyone conforms to the unspoken rule of maintaining a lawn that screams of social success. It is natural to want to fit in, but it is absurd that people let this need to belong dictate how they take care of their home and outdoor space. Let dandelions grow if you think they look pretty. Throw some wildflower seeds in the dirt if you want. Just don’t do something solely because everyone else is doing it. If you give in so easily, you may be considered absurd, as well. You don’t need anyone’s approval for anything; just live your life.

Lastly, I want to shout a few things from the rooftops of the world: Let’s bring back using cemeteries as a place for recreational and social gatherings! Let’s bring back our appreciation for all things in their natural and untamed state! Let’s bring back the simplicity of smelling flowers and bathing in a stream! But most of all, let’s do what we can, right now, to turn our yards into something to be proud of!