Searching Eternity

I am afraid of an afterlife.

In many ways, I wish more than anything that death be succeeded by a blank nothingness. That human existence be wiped clean. But, with my religious upbringing, I do believe in Heaven.

Fortunately, Heaven is to be a place with no worries or suffering. Great.

Unfortunately, in Heaven, I’ll be separated from all I know on Earth. The beauty of the landscape I grew up in, the gentle touch I received from my grandmother, the people I have come to love.

Now, that may be a bit of an overgeneralization, but I can’t know for certain. It’s hard to expect anything but the worst.

For one thing, I truly believe my grandmother is in Heaven. But for another, I feel so sad for those who won’t be.

Even more, I am afraid–if I get to Heaven–of forgetting my loved ones that never make it there. I’m afraid of being separated, forever, from someone I love more than anything.

In this case, can Heaven actually be a heaven, a haven, a paradise? Or will it forever bring a sense of emptiness, of anguish?

Some people believe the Bible says that we will forget all the “unbelievers” even if they were our family and friends.

There are two verses that are continually quoted in this regard:

“Behold, I will create new heavens and a new earth. The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind…” (Isaiah 65:17)

and

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” (Revelation 21:4)

So, if these “former things” encompass our family and friends who did not make it to Heaven, will the memory of our relationship with them be wiped from our minds? Will we forget the love we shared?

I just cannot stand the idea of that. I am terrified of forgetting. For me, I am afraid Heaven would turn into a fever dream of searching for someone I can’t even remember. I would feel that a huge part of me is missing, because how could I go on without the person I love?

Yet, I am still very much afraid of Hell and suffering eternally. But I fear Heaven too. Maybe Heaven isn’t as glorious as it is made up to be. You could be losing a love that you thought knew no earthly bounds. In Heaven, you could spend eternity in sadness, even though you were a good person and a believer in God.

In any case, this thinking perpetuates my feeling that I’ll never get enough time with the people I love, even when I’m continually with them on Earth.